Let’s get into it. It’s 2025. You’re thinking I’ve got problems, the same ones that have been plaguing me and my loved ones for decades. I need help.
Good for you. This is great decision. Therapy is a smart option toward mental health. In the words of Will Hunting from the 1998 Oscar winning film, “Let the healing begin!”
Tip #1: Only search for therapists offering in-person sessions.
There is something called the “7-38-55 Rule.” It was developed in the 1970’s by a psychologist named Albert Mehrabian. The rule says 7% of our communication is made up of the words we use. The rest is vocal cues (38%, tone, pitch, inflection) and nonverbal signals (55%, facial expression, body language). The 7 is the focal communication. The rest, the massively outweighed 93%, is metacommunication.
Most of the communication that we process is non-words related. The way we connect with other people is based on 93% of non-word information.
Now let’s pivot for a moment.
There is no getting around the fact that human beings evolved to survive and grow in the presence of other human beings. We only exist in relationship. This is a profound and totally literal reality. A baby can’t get a sense that it exists unless it comes into repeated contact with another.
When you are in the womb, for instance, there is no differentiation between you and your environment. You are your environment and your environment is you. There is no sense of self and a sense of the other. Or to put it more accurately, there is no sense of self because there is no sense of the other.
This phenomenon of a sense of self is precisely like our sense of sight. Imagine you are born and you are immediately placed into a room where there is lighting set up that prevents any shadows to be detected at all. You have photons going into your eyeballs. Your body, specifically your eyeballs, sense photons but you never perceive the electrical signals of those photons in your brain. The only way to perceive the sensation of sight is for there to be contrast between light and dark, highlights and lowlights or shadows. Perception is always the relationship of a thing with another thing.
The same principle applies to a sense of self. A baby can only become aware of himself by becoming aware of another, often the mother. Without the mother being around the baby (holding, rocking, feeding, changing, bathing, singing to the baby) the baby’s brain cannot conceive of itself as a separate entity. There is no self without another.
Attachment theory describes this fundamental need of a baby for another person that pays attention to it. Without this attention, without sufficient attachment (aka extreme neglect), the baby will die. Even if the baby fed, even if diapers get changed, even if the thermostat is set to a friendly number, if there isn’t somebody around the baby in sufficient frequency, even if that somebody sucks as a caregiver, the proximity of that somebody is the only way for the baby’s brain to develop a sense of self and, thus, survive. Wiring of the brain requires attachment, and we need our brain to work in order for the whole organism to survive. Profound, right? In fact, some say that the drive to connect with another person is our most important, most primal, drive for survival. No one makes it on the Savanah alone.
Now let’s return to how all of this applies to finding a therapist.
When you are seeking therapy, what you’re seeking, whether you know it or not, is someone you can connect with so that the attuned attention you receive begins to help your brain work better. A better working brain means the whole organism thrives. Not just survive. Surviving is what you’ve been doing and it’s not satisfying. The communication needed in order for attuned attention to be perceived by your mind and your body needs to be 100% of the communication of the therapist. You can’t get that unless you’re in the room with the therapist, listening and watching them as a whole organism.
But it’s not a one way street. The therapist, too, needs 100% of your communication in order to better attune to you, to be able to discern the subconscious workings that emerge alongside the conscious expressions. They don’t just clock what you’re saying; they notice what your not saying from the non-word communications you present or withhold. This will have a subconscious effect on them. And they will then respond to your communications. And then you, theirs. Much of it will be subconscious and meta and this dynamic building of a shared subconscious is where the healing happens.
If you opt for video therapy or phone therapy, this intersubjective world built by the patient and therapist together will be emaciated. The 2-D or 1-D atmosphere is thin, under or not at all nourishing enough for healing of a 3-D brain, a brain that is lacking in integration due to inadequate 3-D connection with another person at some point(s) in their lives. That 3-D mind can only heal in the sensing the presence of another 3-D mind, the same way that a baby’s brain will only survive and grow in the sensing of the presence of another 3-D mind.
Occasional video therapy works in those already well established patient-therapist relationships. But I would recommend in-person sessions to start at the very least.
So, yeah. Go for in-person therapy. Don’t waste your time and money by leaving so much of what you need on the table.
Tip #2: Find a therapist who shares your identities
If possible find someone who looks like you. Find someone of the same gender. Find someone who shares your sexual orientation. Find someone around the same age. Find someone who has kids.
Someone who shares all or most of your identities probably has similar experiences as you. Obvious to all people who aren’t white male heterosexuals, but I’ll say it anyways, we know this is a guideline and not a rule.
But shared experiences with your culture, your ethnic history, your immigration/refugee experience, code switching, sexual orientation, gender, age, and class can be essential to be able to communicate with your therapist.
Shared identities doesn’t just reduce friction in their office. It’s not just that race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender orientation, socioeconomic status are just add on features of a human being’s experience of the world and themselves. (This, by the way, is the dominant culture’s (and by dominant I mean White) attitude to anything different from them. They are the standard, and any differences from that standard are treated as non-essential or at best peripheral.)
So I’ve had experiences with white therapists who clearly viewed my Korean ethnicity as a side show. They had no clue about the Asian Exclusion Act, how that effected immigration to this country, and no knowledge of the Korean War and it’s direct effect on people of my parent’s generation, no understanding of the collectivistic values of many Asian cultures.
These identities directly account for how a person thinks and moves and relates to the world and others. It’s important to the point of necessary in order to establish a trusting relationship with a therapist.
IMPORTANT: Now, it may be hard, given where you live in the world and now much money you have, to find someone who can fulfill both criteria of in-person and shared identities. If you’re like me, I had to choose Tip #1 over Tip #2. There just wasn’t enough East Asian, 1st generation immigrant, middle aged, bisexual, single mothers, living near my zip code, who are therapists, accepting new patients. Just try your best.
IMPORTANT: There are also white therapists who are great at their job and aware of their blind spots.
Tip #3: Make sure you like your therapist. A lot.
It is a well established truth in therapy, that the most effective part of therapeutic treatment is not in the intelligence of the therapist, their pedigree, their years of experience, their office location, their identities, or even the psychological insights they can offer you. It is in the warmth and safety of the relationship that you and the therapist are able to build together. That one factor is head and shoulders above all the things that can help you heal, whatever your troubles.
If you have a first, second, maybe even a third session with a therapist and you don’t feel safe, if you don’t like their face, if you don’t like their noises, their body language, if you don’t like their office, if you feel something is off, not quite right, if you leave not looking forward to the next session, do not question yourself. Don’t second guess your feelings or your motives. Move on to the next therapist on the list.
Yes, you should have a list of at least 3 who you want to have a first session with. If you run out of therapists on that list, make a new one.
You don’t need to feel guilty or sorry. Don’t ghost them. Let them know you’ve decided to work with someone else and thank them for their time. You don’t need to explain. They will not take it personally.
I’ve dropped therapists because I didn’t like their facial expressions. I’ve dropped therapists because they said or did something that made me feel misunderstood, accused, or defensive. I’ve dropped therapists because they just sat their like stuffed dolls and said nothing that resembled caring or authenticity or insight. I’ve dropped therapists because I didn’t feel confidence in their abilities.
It all amounted to this: I did not feel safe. 100%, no questions asked, holding me in unconditional high regard. That’s the standard of safety you need to begin the work. It’s a tall ask. But that’s their job. That’s what you’re paying for. So do not settle for anything less.
The truth about finding a great therapist that you can work it is that great therapists are rare. Therapy is an art. Most art is crap. And therapy, like art, is a subjective experience, an intersubjective experience that is meant to heal you. So imagine the level of difficulty of finding a good therapist for you. It’s a lot. I get it.
I’ve ended sessions with good therapists because I came to realize that their repertoire of therapeutic knowledge was limited and could not further my healing. This is to be expected. As you progress in your therapy, your initial purpose for seeking help will change. The direction of your inquiries will change as you heal, as it should in any working therapeutic relationship. When this change occurs, your current therapist may not be able to guide you further and then you need to find another guide who can take you on the next leg of your healing journey.
If you continue to stay with someone with whom you don’t click with from the start or you begin to feel an arrest in the healing process or you feel the two of you just aren’t vibing any more after weeks of working well with them, drop them. But do not ghost. In these instances you will have to give some explanation. It’s the decent thing to do. Ending therapy with someone you’ve seen some improvement in your mental health with requires giving them closure. It’s the decent thing to do. Don’t be an asshole when the whole purpose of therapy is to get right with yourself and people in your life.
So be mindful of whether or not you click with your therapist. Continuously. Look for it. It’s the most important tip I can offer.
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I guarantee nothing. These are tips to help maximize your chances of getting to a healthier you, if you decide to work with a therapist to achieve that end. Therapy is by no means the only way to arrive at mental health. It’s only one way. But if you decide to take this route, give yourself the best fighting chance by following these tips to find someone who can make a difference.
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